It seems that I am always depressed between March and April.
During my junior high and high school years, for some reason, whenever I saw the revival of all things, the blooming and withering of flowers, and the floating willow catkins, I would start to feel sentimental about the passing of time (as if there were memories of someone).
In the first decade of the 21st century, I remember myself as carefree, except for the time when I was hurt during my first love and then studied like crazy. But it seems that it left deep scars in my heart, which still affect me to this day.
High school should have been the happiest time for me. I met good people and gained many friendships. It's just that I didn't know how to cherish them, nor did I know how to bear them. I chose to remain silent, not good at expressing myself or taking action. I didn't even know how to make choices or be brave. I just remember those two years of spring, looking at the willow tree in front of the teaching building, feeling depressed and lost in thought, secretly sad. Memories may have romanticized the past, as if looking into a lush forest from afar, but finding decayed vegetation when entering.
Later, when I went to college, the surrounding voices became even noisier. This depressed and sad mood was diluted by the noise. There was no time to mourn for myself, so I had to squeeze into the crowd and keep my emotions to myself.
In the blink of an eye, ten years have passed. In this spring, I seem to have regained some of those emotions from the past. At the end of March, tears streamed down my face on a rainy night in Suzhou, and my heart was filled with sadness. In April, I went to Shanghai and it feels like I can finally put an end to it and continue with a new life (the kind of life that is impoverished and destitute 🥲), but can I really let go of the past?
On the night of leaving Shanghai, it seemed like I went crazy, constantly marveling at how amazing "Li Yu" is.
"Meeting in Joy"
Silently I ascend the western tower alone,
The moon is like a hook, the lonely phoenix trees lock the autumn.
Unable to sever the ties, everything is in chaos,
It is the sorrow of parting, a taste that lingers in the heart.
Look, look, can meeting really bring joy?
Yes, but there are always moments of separation...
In April, I went to Xi'an to drink with friends 🍺 and released some emotions.
Back home, I continued to quietly open my computer and study, just like last summer. The book says that certain scenes, smells, and tastes can trigger memories. I think the memories of last summer are too fierce, even more so than tonight's heavy rain.
I secretly made up my mind, not knowing how much courage I mustered: Let it go, start trying a new life. However, life always surprises you. It seems to give you a piece of candy, but then follows it up with a slap 😭. Where is the new life?
I really like a line from Su Shi's poem:
"Stop thinking about the past when you see an old friend, and instead try new tea with a new fire, enjoying poetry and wine while time is still on your side."
It seems like I can't do it.
I hate March and April.